I had a bit of a breakdown last night. The last 2 weeks things have been getting to me a bit. The worry of going home in a couple of weeks has now fully caught up with me. Now most people would say “Your going home to see your family that you haven’t seen in 2 years and you are going to have loads of sunshine and spend most of your days on a beach”, which in itself is all true, at the same time I am going back to face my demons as well, which is what I do every time I go home. So far I have lost the battle every time.
Going home is like being faced with my old self, the fat boy, the quiet teen, the “yes” man, the always responsible child, the weak one, plus I am being surrounded by a family who are all overweight and because they feel so bad about it themselves, they like to project those feelings on to you. You should know, people don’t like feeling singled out and then like to drag you down with them. Remember peer pressure? When we feel we are doing something bad we don’t like doing it alone, we rub of that negative influence on others. That’s why statistics show that when your parents or partner are overweight, you are more likely to be overweight yourself. In the same vain, we can also rub of our positive influences or habits on others. Sometimes that just requires a bit more rubbing. Thus surrounding yourself with ambitious, driven and passionate people inspires you to take on these qualities.
My family has this knack of dragging you into their own problem with food and then making you feel guilty about “not eating enough”, which in there terms could be something like a 1000-2000 calories in one sitting. Buffet is not a swear word in my family. The worst part of all of this is that I will be away from my safety blanket of a controlled diet and exercise. So now I am faced with dealing with a family who does not know the first thing about eating healthy and not having my strongest weapon at hand, my controlled diet. My mum’s idea of a good healthy meal is a Sunday Roast, which consists of Lamb and deep fried potatoes, rice with gravy, cauliflower with cheese sauce and sweet potato with marshmallows and brown sugar. And for good measure she would maybe make pumpkin fritters and throw in a big bread pudding for dessert. Count the sugary carbs and calories on that plate. And second helpings is compulsory, proper men eat a second plate.
Last night I just caved under the weight of it all and ended up flying into a jar of peanut butter (it was organic with no added sugar), I ate about 5 heaped teaspoons of it after having my protein shake and a piece of beef before heading to bed. I knew I was full and kept on eating until I felt a bit sick. Yes, 5 teaspoons of peanut butter is not binging, but continuing eating when you are full, definitely is. The really dumb part of it all is that I am now stress eating, over my worries of over-eating. How stupid is that?
My mind is constantly dwelling on home and the foods that come with it, which brings back memories of all of the things I used to enjoy as a child and how I used food as a way of emotionally coping. So at the same time, it also brings back a lot of hurt and anger. The last few days I have been thinking a lot about these sources of anger and hurt that are linked to my inclinations of binge eating. Knowing why you do something is the key to fixing it, I have come to notice the symptoms and the causes of the problem, but the root of my problem, that “why it all began” still keeps itself hidden.
So last night I went to bed feeling very low, woke up this morning and dragged myself out of bad still feeling quite a bit awful. I got to the gym thinking I am not going to make it through this session and had to battle my own negative thoughts. But about 20 minutes into my workout I really got back into it and I finally cleared my mind. Endorphins are a wonderful thing. Being in the gym and pushing weights makes me feel empowered. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “You have come so far, too far to give up or let this beat you. Enough in my life have I been made to feel bad about myself. By the end of my workout I was feeling great again, realising that everything I was worried about last night was a bit stupid and that I have grown so much as a person over the last few years and am so much more driven and capable than I ever thought I could be. Even though it was stupid, it gave me some good perspective to really look at myself again. Those lows in life have a purpose and is a good as a time as any to reassess yourself.
Now I am ready to plow straight back into it, not dwell on the mistakes of yesterday and keep my mind focused on what I really want. I am still planning on facing those demons. I will just hold onto that feeling that I can get out of those mental holes I dig for myself. I am my own worst enemy.
